The past 5 days have been quite the roller coaster.....my emotions have been twisted and contorted every which way...and currently, I don't know which way is up and which way is down.
My stomach is constantly in knots...I can't eat...I can't focus. At this point, I've almost run out of tears...and as I was driving in my car Saturday night (going to a friend's birthday party) I realized what I was becoming....a zombie.
I'm not necessarily an "emotional mess" because that would require actual emotion! I just stare blankly ahead of me and try to think of absolutely nothing....because the moment I begin thinking, it all immediately floods in and I can't control it.
I'm just going through the motions.....alarm goes off...get up...take a shower, get ready...drive to work...get coffee...log onto computer...give my best "fake smile" to people walking past, sit here at desk.....staring....staring....no emotion. My face feels like stone...something calloused and stern...but, I don't care, because at least this way, I don't feel the sadness and emptiness that goes along with "feeling".....this is much easier.
I guess I could sum it up for some of you out there in one sentence...
Just call me Bella, because my Edward has gone and I don't know when I'll get him back...if I'll get him back.