Thursday, February 11, 2010

I am a selfish person...

So...they finally did the CT scan on momma yesterday evening, but I don't know any of the results yet.

Because of being sick, I have not gone up to see momma at the hospital. She's been there almost 3 days now....But, I'm on antibiotics now and I know that I'm not, it shouldn't be a problem now.

Here's my dilemma...I'm scared folks...I don't like her being sick. I try to block it out of my head and go to a happy place. I try to pretend that everything is ok and suppress any feelings of sadness, worry, fear...everything. I fill my days with anything and everything to keep myself busy. I smear a smile across my face, make plans with friends, self-medicate with chocolate (dark chocolate is good for you though, right?) I pray nonstop for God to heal her...but, I feel like I'm not being a good enough daughter. I should be there right now with my dad. He won't leave her side at the most likely exhausted going from the house to hospital, hospital to house...My dad has his own health issues to worry about (that's a totally different post altogether) and I should be helping. But, I'm scared.

Friends...the thing that scares me more than that I will be a totally different person when one of my parents goes to Heaven.

Totally. Different.

And, it scares me to think of who I will be...what changes I will make...if I'll lose friends because of my change. My parents are everything to me. Everything. What will I do without them? Who am I without them? I am nobody...nothing...they made me who I am. They have always supported me without fail, loved me unconditionally without question and been there for me every second of every day.

So I shouldn't be feeling this way. I shouldn't feel like I will disappear when they leave this world....but, I fear I will.

Am I crazy? Am I the only person that is terrified of this? And, when I use the word "terrified", I mean it with every fiber of my being. Terrified

I'm trembling now as I'm typing this....holding back tears of panic. This is why I don't think about it...I just don't think I'm strong enough to handle it.

Who am I without my mommily and papa bear?


Kelly said...

Girl I'm so sorry you're sick and so sorry about your mom. I really hope and pray the drs find out what's wrong soon! I'm praying for peace for you too. {{hugs}}

Emily said...

I'm so sorry Summer. I can't even imagine. I'm praying for you.

Trac~ said...

Awww... Summer I am so sorry to hear about your mom sweetie. I know you are scared and worried, and I know it's hard to be strong during times like these. But I believe in you and so do your parents and they understand how you are feeling, and just know that God is watching over your mom and will take good care of her. On another note, I wanted to let you know I nominated you for an award today. Check it out when you have the time - and please keep us posted on your mom's progress. BIG HUGS! I will pray for you and your family.

EyesToTheSkye said...

I hope everything's okay with your momma. Stay strong, and don't think about the "what-ifs" unless the time comes to think about it! Believe me, when a parent passes, you do change, almost completely. But it looks like you have an amazing support system, so just keep your head up and don't worry about things that aren't happening.


Lynette said...

I don't feel I changed when my parents left me. I was VERY close to both of them but God doesn't give you more than we can handle. It is VERY hard and I think of them everyday. I was 35 and 40 when they passed. I'm 47 now and still miss them, some days are worse than others. But they raised me to be able to handle it. You know they would want you to be happy....I hate to be a cliche person, but life does go on. And they will be in a better place. Hopefully they will be with you until you are OLD. Saying a prayer for your mom. She sounds like a great one!

OceanDreams said...

praying for you lovely girl - I know I too would fall a part if I even thought about losing my mom and dad. Just remember that God has them in the palm of His hand, lean on Him and he will take care of them and YOU!

~KS said...

You are not at all "weird" for thinking this or having these fears. I have them too... my dad had an accident a year ago (he's all better and great now) and I freaked. I hadn't thought about "it" much before then... but the day my dad isn't here with me, a part of my heart will simply be missing. I will not be the same.
But... not I'm not as scared about that as I am somewhat peaceful. I lost my grandma a few years ago... and there's still a hole in my heart. Always will be... I am different... but it's amazing... I'm more like her now. It's like the best parts of her are still alive, here... in me. And my cousins... and everyone who knew her. Someday, when your parents go home, you will be different.. your heart will ache a little bit always... but you will still be a beautiful person... and maybe, the "new" you will be a person you grow to love, and a person who keeps the beautiful memories of your parents alive and well everyday.

Sending prayers and love your way... hope you can find some peace with this... and enjoy the precious time you have with your amazing mom and dad!