So...they finally did the CT scan on momma yesterday evening, but I don't know any of the results yet.
Because of being sick, I have not gone up to see momma at the hospital. She's been there almost 3 days now....But, I'm on antibiotics now and I know that I'm not contagious...so, it shouldn't be a problem now.
Here's my dilemma...I'm scared folks...I don't like her being sick. I try to block it out of my head and go to a happy place. I try to pretend that everything is ok and suppress any feelings of sadness, worry, fear...everything. I fill my days with anything and everything to keep myself busy. I smear a smile across my face, make plans with friends, self-medicate with chocolate (dark chocolate is good for you though, right?) I pray nonstop for God to heal her...but, I feel like I'm not being a good enough daughter. I should be there right now with my dad. He won't leave her side at the hospital...is most likely exhausted going from the house to hospital, hospital to house...My dad has his own health issues to worry about (that's a totally different post altogether) and I should be helping. But, I'm scared.
Friends...the thing that scares me more than anything...is that I will be a totally different person when one of my parents goes to Heaven.
And, it scares me to think of who I will be...what changes I will make...if I'll lose friends because of my change. My parents are everything to me. Everything. What will I do without them? Who am I without them? I am nobody...nothing...they made me who I am. They have always supported me without fail, loved me unconditionally without question and been there for me every second of every day.
So I shouldn't be feeling this way. I shouldn't feel like I will disappear when they leave this world....but, I fear I will.
Am I crazy? Am I the only person that is terrified of this? And, when I use the word "terrified", I mean it with every fiber of my being. Terrified
I'm trembling now as I'm typing this....holding back tears of panic. This is why I don't think about it...I just don't think I'm strong enough to handle it.
Who am I without my mommily and papa bear?